Privateers 1

New Blood

“Afternoon,” called Rikky, cheerfully, “What you up to?”

His sunny demeanour belied the sheer volume of cider he had put away the previous night, and I wondered sometimes how he did it.

“Glad you feel so bright,” i said, “Just checking the roster, who is Felicity Walker-Shelton?”

“Probably one of the new deck hands,” he replied, “why?”

“Looks like she’s with me, just one deck hand though, odd for a newbie. You’ve got Pamela Smethurst, another one I’ve not come across.”

“Must be another newbie,” he said, “Oh well, best get ready.”

“Ah I’m glad you two are here,” came a voice.

It was our boss, Big Mike Simms, not actually a very big man height wise, the “Big” part of his name referred to the fact he was rather round.

“What’s up gaffer?” I asked.

“You’ve each got one of our new deck hands with you,” he started.

“Summer temps?” I asked.

“No,” he replied, “Full timers, hopefully, if you two don’t break them.”

“Oh, you planning on expanding the routes?” I asked.

“No,” he replied patiently, “You know why we are recruiting, and these two are to fill the gaps in our roster.”

“Plenty of experience?”

“Not much, unfortunately,” he replied, “But we are short handed so I can’t spare a deck hand to train them, so you’ll have to wing it, they are in the staff canteen, Rikky, take yours and go and work the afternoon number 1s relieve the next one in please, Ian, you are doing a tender run to a liner, take Hercules, you are to take a single passenger out who has chartered the ship to meet the liner Norwegian Monarch, he missed his ship in Stranraer due to illness, and there’s four passengers to come back too.”

“Both private charters paying a pretty penny hence sending the big boat?” I asked.

“Not quite, both private charters paying a pretty penny, so no doing anything unprofessional!” he replied, “The big boat is because we are busy and Alice is still in for repair for another week, so don’t bend the boat! Now clear off both of you.”

We headed into the canteen and were met by two young girls. One was wearing check trousers, a grey T-shirt and sensible shoes.

“Hullo,” she said, “I’m Pam, I’m supposed to be meeting Rikky?”

“That’ll be him then,” I said, “You’ve got a nice easy start, you’ll have fun.”

“Come on,” said Rikky, “Have you got everything you need?”

She nodded.

“Good, we relieve the next crew in, you’ll be fine.”

The other one was wearing bright green trousers, and a red and black Harley Quinn top, her Doc Marten boot laces were undone, her blonde hair looked as if she’s slept in a hedge, and was poking out from under a bucket hat. The whole ensemble was topped of by a life jacket, which she was wearing upside down.

“Hello!” she said brightly, “I’m Fizz.”

“Fizz?” I asked.

“Well, officially, Felicity Walker-Shelton,” she said in a rather up market accent, “But I think that makes one sound rather posh, don’t you? So I prefer Fizz.”

“Well, it sounds rather posh,” I said, “but it is somewhat offset by the I slept in a hedge look. We’ve got an important passenger, so please go straighten yourself up, and for heaven’s sake, lose the Mae West.”

“The what?”

“The life jacket,” I said, “It’s upside down, you don’t need it, and if one makes you feel more comfortable, I’ll show you where there are some better ones.”

“Ah,” she said, “I’m not off to a good start am I?” she said, “This was my last hope job wise, I’m trying to avoid working for mummy, it’s never good to be the bosses daughter, and an office job is as dull as ditch water.”

That was the point that I decided I liked her, and would drag her kicking and screaming though her time here if I had to.

“It’s not the best start,” I said, “but you sound like a good sort, so we’ll get you straight, you done much boating?”

“I did once have a go on a rowing boat in Paignton if that counts?”

“On the sea?”

“In a lake,” she replied, “In a park, and it was swan shaped.”

“Oh dear lord!”

We walked out to the boat to check her over and get ready.

“Equipment locker,” I said, unlocking the cupboard, “We’ll get you a life jacket in a minute, if you aren’t wearing it, you put it in here. Radio.”

I handed her a radio, which she looked at a little confused.

“It’s for internal communications only, you can talk to me from the other end of the boat on channel 1 or we can switch to channel 2 to switch to listen and talk to all of our boats,” I explained, “You’ll see what we do in service when we come to it. You’ll find a mop, bucket, broom, dustpan and brush in here, we are on a boat with a bar, you’ll need them. The smaller craft also have some bailers in there so you can lift the duck boards up and chuck the water out, we’ve got a pump instead which I control from the wheel house.”

I showed her how you filled the water tanks, and emptied the toilet and how to deploy the gang planks.

As we finished, the radio went off, “Base to Hercules, have you got your ears on Ian?”

“Wide awake and ready for anything you can throw at me,” I replied.

“Your passenger is here, are you going to be long?”

“No,” I replied, “Just getting a life jacket for my deck hand and we’ll be up.”

“Jolly good,” Sandra. Mike’s wife and booking clerk replied, “He’ll be glad to be on the way.”

We walked up to the staff canteen. There was a suited and booted gentleman in there with several large suitcases.

“Mr Guzman?” I asked.

“That’s right,” he said.

“The boat is ready for you sir,” I said.

“Excellent,” he said, “Can you carry my bags?”

“Certainly,” I said, “Fizz, can you grab that hand cart please? I’ll give Sally a shout and she’ll come and bring it back when she gets chance.”

Of course, Fizz managed to trip over while getting the trolley, getting me a reproachful look from my passenger.

We walked down to the quayside where Fizz and myself handled the bags aboard.

“You ready?” I asked.

“I think so,” she replied,

“Cast off then,” I said.

“What?”

“Untie us from the quay,” I said.

Fizz went off and began trying to unravel the rope at the bow.

“Earth to Fizz,” I said into the radio.

“Very funny,” she replied, “I hear you skip.”

“You’ll find that’s the end attached to the boat,” I said, “Try the other end.”

“Ah, thanks.”

I’d got the door to the wheelhouse open, and a face appeared around the door.

“Er, pardon me captain,” said Mr Guzman, “How long will the journey be?”

“It depends on exactly where the liner is,” I said, “But it’ll be somewhere in the region of ninety minutes to maybe two hours.”

“Thankyou,” he said, “Is there anywhere i can get a drink?”

“Yes,” I said, “Certainly, if you speak to my colleague she will arrange that.”

He disappeared and I counted to ten, the radio went off.

“Erm, skip?”

“Yes Fizz, receiving,” I replied.

“Erm, passenger wants a drink.”

“We haven’t got any bar staff on board today,” I said, “You’ll have to serve him.”

“Ok, how do I get into the bar?”

“Could you just pop up to the bridge please?”

“What shall I tell the passenger?”

I groaned inwardly.

“Tell him you need to come to the bridge and you’ll be right back to serve him,” I said, “With the keys.”

“Ah, ok,” she said, “Out.”

I steered the boat around the bends in the river Taw, making sure not to go onto auto pilot and land on one of the landing stages, while the cogs of my brain went around on a plan I was hatching.

I had been up and down this river so many times, both on my own boats which I had owned over the years, and professionally, I could almost navigate it with my eyes closed, which, given the number of times she was ricocheting off things, was also Fizz’s approach to getting around the boat, and at that moment, she fell backwards through the wheelhouse door.

I handed her the bar keys.

“The big one is the door,” I said, “The red yale is the shutter and the blue one is the till, theres a card machine there if he’s paying by card, try not to kill him.”

She smiled and pretended to flounce off. I was starting to like her, despite her lack of abilities in anything nautical.

As we headed out to see, I picked up the radio.

“Norwegian Monarch, Norwegian Monarch, this is the tender Hercules, can you hear me? Over.”

“Norwegian Monarch receiving,” came the reply, “State your message?”

“We’ve got a passenger who didn’t make your departure, a mister Guzman,” I said, “and we are hoping to rendezvous with you shortly, where abouts are you?”

“Currently just off Morte Point heading 190 degrees at the moment, is that Olly?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” I said, “I recognise that voice, stand by for instructions.”

I then gave them a set of coordinates to aim towards to meet up with us.

“About half an hour from here,” I said, “Which works quite well for me too.”

“How so?” asked Fizz, who had joined me in the wheel house.

“Ah, can’t say too much at the moment.”

“Now that sounds mysterious,” she replied, “Tell me more.”

“Not right now,” I replied, “Hopefully you’ll see later.”

Fizz busied herself going into the cabin to see if further refreshments were needed and looking out for the liner for me,

“Ah, Olly,” she burst out, “Boat, over there.”

“Boat, over there?” I said, “Is that something like ship ahoy?”

“Well, it’s more like boat over there,” Fizz replied, “But I think it means the same.”

“Is she ours?” I said.

“I can’t tell from here,” she replied, “How do I tell?”

“What’s the name on he?”

“Can’t read it, can we get a bit closer?”

I handed Fizz the binoculars, “Maybe try these.”

It was indeed our ship, and we turned slightly to Port to meet her.

“How do we get our passenger onto their ship?” Fizz suddenly asked.

“Via a gang plank,” I replied, “When we get along side, you’ll have to throw a line up to them and then there is a position for a gang plank which they’ll lower down to us.”

“Throw?”

“Yes, you know,” I said, “The thing you do with your hands to make an object go a long way.”

“Ah,” she said, “The thing is, mummy used to say I had a coordination problem and I can’t throw for toffee.”

“You might need to work on that skill,” I said, “You’ll need it.”

“Hmm, ok,” she said, “I did warn you.”

We came along side the liner and I threw up the line from the Wheel house, which was at the stern on this class of boat, while Fizz picked up the one in the bow, looking at the ‘Monkey’s fist’ knot in the end, she at least worked out it was there to give one end a little weight, unfortunately, she was now whirling ot about her head like a crazed woman.

“Fizz,” I said gently into the walkie talkie, “We aren’t cowboys.”

That didn’t have the effect I’d hoped, as she let go of not only the knotted end but the whole lot, sending rope in all directions, but not very far.

I sighed, luckily Hercules and her sister Sampson, were equipped with bow thrusters, which I set gently to port, then walked down to demonstrate how to coil and throw a line.

“Come on,” I said, “Well need to help Mr Guzman with his bags, just let me stop the bow thruster first, and we’ll collect the passengers to take back too.”

“I feel I should do the bags,” said Fizz glumly.

“No, come on,” I said, “I’ll give you a hand, you never know, you might need help bringing stuff back off.”

I switched off the bow thruster, grabbed a couple of bags and walked briskly up the gang plank.

“Ah, Jurgen,” I said, addressing one of the staff, “How are you?”

“Olly,” he replied, “I am well, yourself?”

“I’m a little stiff after a rough day at sea last week, do you have any of that medicinal drink you sometimes pick up from the scottish isles?”

“I do as it happens, Ralf? Take these cases to cabin 243, and assist the departing guests onto the tender, I’m just going to take this gentleman to see the ships doctor.”

“Ships doctor my arse Jurgen,” I said, “You are as bad as ever, what have you got for me?”

“How about a rare whiskey distilled in Lamash on the Isle of Arran?”

“Do the revenue know about this particular distillery?” I asked,

“Certainly not,” Jurgen replied in a strong Norwegian accent, “I will wash your mouth out with soap if you continue with such language!”

“I whole heartedly apologise.” I replied, “How much are we asking for it?”

“Well, normally I’d say a hundred pounds, but as it’s you, shall we say seventy five and five bottles of that lethal elder flower wine that I know you have hidden in your ship’s on board bar?”

“That sounds very fair.”

We took the crate of Whiskey down to Hercules, and stowed it in the Wheel house, it wouldn’t be there long, then headed down to the bar, where there was only four and a half bottles of wine, one of which was open.

I picked up my walkie talkie.

“Fizz, could I have a word in the bar please?”

Fixx hurriedly reappeared.

“What’s up skip?”

“When Mr Guzman asked for a drink, what did you give him?”

“White wine, I assumed it was the house wine,” she said, “As it was in unmarked bottles. Oh god, i haven’t fed him toilet cleaner have I?”

“No Fizz,” I said, “That wasn’t our wine to sell, that was Jurgen’s”

“New crew member?” asked Jurgen.

“Started this morning,” replied Fizz.

“Which ship did you come from?”

“No ship,” she said brightly, “Escaping an office job with mummy.”

“So you have no nautical experience then?”

“Well, about two hours now,” she replied, smiling.

“Oh God,” I said under my breath.

“Ian, as your lovely cabin girl is new, I think we shall simply say, you owe me a pint when we are next in the same port,” said Jurgen, “had you not had such a charming lady, I might have charged you the full price.”

I wasn’t going to quibble, even £100 was a bargain for about £2000 worth of scotch.

“Oooh,” said Jurgen, “Can I have a scotch egg from your bar, Big Mike does carry an exceptionally good brand of those, and I can’t get them at home.”

“Help yourself,” I replied, “Take a couple, we can write them off as Fizz’s breakages.”

“Oi”, she squeaked.

“Ignore him,” said Jurgen, “Here, a gift for you for putting up with my friend, it’s not your milk tray, but it’s some of our chocolate, don’t laugh at the name.”

It was called plopp, being small brown pats of chocolate, it was definitely a source of amusement.

“The passengers are aboard and awaiting departure sir,” said the young lad Ralf, who had reappeared.

“Thankyou Ralf, then we had better return to our ship Ian, I shall see you soon, Fizz, if ever you are in Norway, look me up, I’ll show you haw to throw a line without clonking the first officer on the head,” He smiled, blew Fizz a kiss, and both men left.

“Chocolate, lucky you,” I said, “You know what that means?”

“That he’s nice?”

“If you want to believe that,” I teased.

“Anyway, what was that all about? What were you two sneaking about at?”

“I’ll tell you later,” I said, “All will become clear.”

“I might leave the chocolate until I get home,” she said, “I’ll go and talk to the passengers while I still can.”

“Are you ok?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just a little queasy.”

With that, she disappeared, and went to address the passengers.

We had been underway a few minutes when I spotted Fizz coming up to the Wheel house. She got to the bottom of the stairs, stopped, and vomited,

“Are you ok?” I called down?

“Yeah, fine, I just….bleugh!” as she vomited again.

I made a quick decision, which would work in my favour, and picked up the PA system.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I said, “This is your captain speaking, owing to a member of crew being taken ill, we need to head for an inlet while we establish if we are able to continue unaided.”

I looked down the stairs.

“Fizz,” she looked up, “Do you think you can make it down to the bow? The fresh air down there will do you good.”

She nodded, and went to head there.

“Oh and Fizz,” I said, “Turn your radio on, I need to be able to talk to you to make sure you are ok.”

She gave me a thumbs up and scurried off.

I headed for towards Baggy point, I knew it would be choppy if I went right into Croyde Beach, it would get choppy, buy there was a tiny cove just off to the north of Croyde bay, which handily enough, was where I wanted to be to drop off the whiskey, it would hopefully save me having to borrow the boat later, or using my own, which was a frankly silly idea.

We got into calmer water and I radioed Fizz.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Rough,” she replied.

“I need you to tie the bow up, can you manage that?”

“You know I can’t throw when I’m feeling good, never mind now!”

“No need to throw,” I said, “If you look to your right at about head height, you’ll see an iron ring, tie us to that.”

As she made us fast, I headed down the stairs, stepping round the sick, and did the same at the stern, before going forward to check on Fizz

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Ropey,” she replied.

“I think a few minutes ashore will help,” I said.

“How are we going to do that?”

“One minute,” I said, “If you tug on that end of the bench you’ll find the top lifts up.”

I waggled the other end and the dowels slipped out of the seat and it came up easily.

“Now turn it over,” I said.

On the reverse were strips of wood to make crude steps.

“Oh wow,” she said, “Is it supposed to do that?”

“It’s designed to do so incase we need to get people off in an emergency,” I said, “Thats why this bench isn’t included in the seating, because if you need it, you can tell the passengers to piss off back to their seat for a while. Right if you put this end against this box that gives you a firm base, are you feeling well enough to come back to the wheel house and help me grab a box?”

“A box?”

“Yes.”

“Why are we leaving it here?” she asked.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” I replied.

“No, fuck off,” she replied, “You keep saying that, I want to know.”

“You won’t believe me,” I said, “But you’ll find out soon enough, as soon as the box is ashore, if you don’t work it out, I will tell you.”

She grumpily helped me with the crate up onto the rocks, where, hidden from the passenger deck of the boat, there was a cave.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Much better, thanks,” she replied,

“Well you look like shit,” I said.

“Thanks!”

“You’ve got sick in your hair.”

“Oh god eww.”

We set the crate down, I reached behind a rock in the cave and pulled out a crow bar, and prised the lid off.

“What is it?” asked Fizz.

“Scots, made in an illegal still on the Isle of Arran,” I replied.

“Why are we putting it in this cave?” she asked. A reasonable question.

I turned on a torch and shone it around, the size of the cave became apparent and I saw the pennies dropping as she saw shelving and boxes all around the walls.

“Oh crikey,” she said, “Is this a smugglers cave? Goodness, this is exciting, what are we doing here?”

“Smuggling,” I replied calmly, “What else?”

“We’re smuggling?”

“We’ll I wouldn’t worry about leaving your chocolate here or anything,” I said, “but yes, if you want to share it for your own stash, we can talk about it over a drink later, or maybe one of the others might have a place that suits you better?”

“Stash?” she said

“Trust me, once you’ve been with us a few weeks, you’ll have a stash.”

“A few weeks? After today I thought you’d be telling them to sack me, I’ve been hopeless!”

“You are bloody terrible,” I said, “But the passengers like you, and that goes a long way, and as soon as you told me you were doing this to avoid a cushy office job with your mother, I knew I’d like you, I’m hoping we will have some fun together, oh hell, I just realised how that sounds, I mean adventures and the like, nothing else, I’m married.”

“It’s ok,” she said, “I saw the ring. I’m still not sure about all this though, what happens if……well…does Mike know about this?”

“Mike Simms,” I laughed, “Is as bad as the rest of us! I’ll tell you something about Mike, he may look like an overweight office based desk jockey, but he’s a hell of a seaman, and quite handy at avoiding the revenue. If ever you end up on a boat with him, you’ll have an amazing time. Right that’s everything stowed, do you drink whisky?” I said Offering her a bottle.

“I’m more of a vodka or gin kind of girl.”

I put the bottle I had offered her down, and went to another shelf, and returned with two bottles.

“This is a vodka from the coastal town of Osieki,” I said, “I’m not a fan of the stuff myself, but I’m told it’s rather good, and this, this is a gin from southern spain, now I can tell you this is a good one, do you like elder flower? This goes beautifully with elderflower gin and a slice of orange, or if you are going out for an all day session, some botanical tonic with a slice of cucumber, mint and some raspberries. Here you go.”

“What’s this?”

“Your wages,” I said.

“But i can’t pay my bills with this, and Mike pays my wages.”

“Two points,” I said, “You can if you play your cards right, and secondly, these are your wages for helping me. You can take them home and drink the lot, or you could use them to start your stash.”

“Hmm, so if I share the cave, where can I put my stash?”

“Over that side,” I said, you’ve only got two bottles so if you use the end of those shelves and I’ll make you some more space when you get more, I’ll show you how you get customers when you get home,”

She went over, left the vodka on the shelf, then came back,

“As you speak so highly of it,” she said, “I’ll keep the gin for myself, and stash the vodka for now, I’m feeling much better, shall we go.”

“I thought you might, although next time you feel sea sick, I’ll give you pinters as to where to do it to give me an excuse to come ashore here,” I laughed.

“Behave.”

We reboarded the boat, refixed the bench and cast off with an apology to the passengers, while the now much recovered Fizz setting to work mopping up her own sick, serving the passengers, with the companies alcohol this time, accompanied by a lot of falling over and crashing into things.

When we got back, I went to sign the keys back in.

“And where have you two been?” asked Mike.

“Medical emergency,” I said, “had to put into a cove for a short while for calmer waters to allow the sickness to pass.”

“And this cove wouldn’t be Hunters cove by any chance would it?” he asked.

“Well it just happened to be the nearest one that I could safely get the boat into,” I replied, “It was the responsible command decision.”

“How fortunate for you,” said Mike, “Did it allow you chance to off load something while you were there?”

“I acted in exactly the way you would have done Mike,” I said,

“Don’t lie to me Olly,” he replied,

“I’m not,” I replied, “I’ve known you twenty odd years, I know what you’d have done, and that’s what I did.”

“I don’t suppose I can argue there,” he replied, “but doing it with passengers on is unprofessional, what happens if one of them had been the revenue?”

“They weren’t,” I said, “None of them were walking on their knuckles.”

“You can never be sure, and it could cost me my company!” Mike replied, “Don’t let me catch you in hunters cove with one of my boats on passenger service again.”

“You didn’t catch me this time,” I replied, “You only know because I told you.”

“GET OUT,” he roared, “And no more of your lip or the two of you will have a month on the Appledore ferry.”

We left the office quickly before he changed his mind and sacked the both of us,

“You coming for a pint?” I asked.

“I’m not sure about a pint, but maybe a cocktail or something, where were you thinking?” she asked,

“Well, Rikky won’t be back until later, so no point waiting for him and, what was the other girl’s name? Pam?”

“Yeah, that was her, she seems nice,” Fizz replied, “Rather more capable of the job than I am.”

“You’ll be fine,” I said, “we’ll make a good deck hand of you. Now I think Spikey will be at the Royal exchange, shall we head up there?”

“Why do you call him spikey?”

“Because her name is Holly,” I replied, “I think you’ll like her.”

Spikey, or to give her her real name, Dr Holly Langston was not what you’d expect from a seafaring type, Born in Wolverhampton, she had studied medicine at Manchester university, and practiced Medicine for a few years before electing for what she considered to be a more bohemian life style, although with her ability to knock the stuff back, I would often tease her that bohemian was spelt ‘RUM’, she would of course deny this, but it was odd how much of the stuff she had, not only stashed away, but often on her person.

She was tall, especially for a lady, I’m 6’3” and she could look me almost square in the eye, and while there wasn’t an ounce of spare fat on her, she was very solid, not obviously muscular, but definitely solid. She had long dark hair, brown eyes and an infectious smile.

Fizz and myself walked into the pub, it was busy, but Spikey and her mate were not hard to spot. She was leaning up against the bar, in her high heels meaning she towered over most people there, while her crew mate, was dressed as a pirate.

Simon “Pirate” Trelawny was one of our most experienced deck hands, from the wrong side of the border, he was a proud Cornishman, and was usually seen dressed as a pirate. Many people thought this was to play up to the sea going theme and for the benefit of the passengers, but we knew him, he dressed like this all the time. He was clean shaven but had long mousey coloured hair which was tied back this evening to keep it out of his food and drinks.

“Pirate,” I said, “Spikey, good day?”

“Very good thanks,” replied Spikey, “Who’s your shadow?”

“This is Fizz, I replied, “so called because apparently Felicity Walker-Shelton is too posh, but having met her, I’d say it’s not posh enough.”

“Ah, so she’s already told you her nick name,” said Pirate, “Not let you buggers choose it for her, Your clever kid, you’ll go far.”

“So you normally let your colleagues decide what to call you?” asked Fizz.

“Let them?” laughed Pirate, “No, you don’t normally get much choice, although mine kind of chooses itself doesn’t it?”

“And I’m glad I let Pirate and Olly choose mine, your predecessor was kind of put out by me being a doctor,” explained spikey, “And thought as my real name is Holly, that ‘Prick’ would be a better solution.”

“That sounds awful,” replied Fizz, “I think I’m glad these two helped out.”

“Helped?” snorted Spikey, “It was to stop me laying the little twat out! Apparently they didn’t want me getting sacked. I can look after myself pretty well.”

“She can,” I said, “Never arm wrestle with her, she’s stronger than most of the men round here, just because you don’t see a six pack and bulging biceps, don’t be fooled.”

“Rightm you two need a drink,” said Spikey, “And I’m in the chair, Olly, usual?” I nodded, “Fizz, what would you like or are you going to trust me to get you something?”

“Erm,” said Fizz, “What do you think I’d like?”

“Well,” said Spikey, “I think you are more of a shorts girl, I think wine is probably what your parents drink, and you want to rebel against that, but you don’t look like the sort who’d go for a pint of Betty Stoggs and a bag of crisps, I’m getting fruity, sweet, and possibly very strong, in fact, after a day with him, and definitely doing some smuggling, probably for your first time, I think mind scramblingly strong would be what you need.”

“Maybe not mind scrambling, nut the rest sounds good,” said Fizz, “Wait, smuggling, what has he told you?”

“Excellent,” Spikey replied, then addressing the barman, “A flaming zombie and a Brain damage please Darren, no ice in the brain damage, and I’d advise against putting any in the one that’s on fire.”

“I haven’t told her anything,” I said, “You’ve been by my side all along remember?”

“Oh yes,” said Fizz, “So how did you…erm… I mean what makes you think….”

“Sweet heart,” said Spikey,”I know him too well, and we are all up to it. You are amongst friends. It gives us something a little fun to do, and makes us some good money on the side.”

“That’s a very fair point I suppose,” Fizz replied, “Which drink is mine?”

“The one that’s on fire, snuff it out with a beer mat before you try to drink it, I’d suggest about now would give you a good flavour.”

Fizz flapped at her drink with a beer mat to little effect before Spikey dropped one neatly over the top of the glass, before whipping it away with the flick of a wrist.

Fizz took a sip of her drink.

“My gosh that’s strong,” she said, her eyes wide open and seemingly the size of saucers.

“What do you think?” asked Spikey

“Wow, yes, I don’t know how you did it but that was amazing.”

“So,” said Spikey, “I’m guessing you might have a stash that you might need to try to sell then?”

“Well,” said Fizz, “I’m not sure one bottle and some Norwegian chocolate counts as a stash.”

“It’s a start,” said Spikey, “You have chocolate?”

“Yes,” said Fizz, “It’s called Plopp.”

“I love Plopp, are you willing to trade?”

“Hmm,” Fizz thought for a moment, “I mean, I quite like chocolate, but it depends what for.”

“I like you,” said Spikey, “You can split the bag, i’ll trade individual sweets, here’s my suggestion, ten sweets and when your round comes around, I’ll buy it instead.”

“That sounds a good deal, done!”

“Now, Fizz,” said Spikey, “Can I give you a little help in other matters?”

“Ok, what’s that?”

“You are going to be on water all day sweet heart,” she replied, “at this time of year, sunblock is more important than make up, trust me on this, I am a doctor.”

“I know I should, but I don’t feel like I can go out without my face on.”

“Fizz, sweet heart, you don’t need make up, you are a very beautiful girl without it.”

“I’m really not Spikey,” Fizz said, “My face is the wrong shape, and I have no dress sense, and stupid hair that won’t do what it want it to.”

“What time are you on tomorrow?”

Fizz looked at me.

“Nine o’clock, we take a 4A to Greysands, then we go on the number 4 all day,” I replied.

“Good,” said Spikey, “Can you be at mine for 8? I’ll do your hair, show you how to make the most of that face of yours, it really is quite beautiful, you do yourself a disservice.”

“Are you sure? Would that be ok?”

“Sweet heart, you are one of us now,” Spikey replied, “you are a privateer!”

“Isn’t that like a pirate?” asked Fizz

“No, they are a little different, Simon thinks he’s a pirate,” said Spikey, “a privateer was legally sanctioned by the crown and so what they were doing was legal.”

“But smuggling isn’t legal!”

“No, true, but we’ve not stolen the boats, and that makes all the difference.”

“Arr,” said Pirate, seeing an opportunity to get one of his tall tales in, “When I was a privateer in the merchant navy, we were aboard a clipper heading down to cape horn when…..”

“I’m going to stop you there,” said Spikey, “He was never in the Merchant Navy Fizz my darling, I’m more likely to have been in the Merchant Navy than Pirate is, and I’m from Wolverhampton!”

“Well alright maybe it wasn’t the Merchant Navy, but we had the revenue on our tail,” Pirate attempted to continue.

“In international waters?” asked Spikey.

“They are a desperate lot they revenue lads are,” he replied, “Anyhow, we got down near Zimbabwe, and the revenue were on our tail, so I tells the skipper, we shout turn about and sail straight at em, they’d never believe that we were crazy enough to throw ourselves directly into their arms and they would not believe it was us.”

“Did it work?” asked Fizz.

“No, they opened fire and tore a huge hole in our starboard side right on the water line, we were doomed, no way we could get to the life boats in time.”

“How did you get away?” asked Fizz

“Because Zimbabwe is land locked and you can’t sink a ship in a car park,” put in spikey, before taking a sip of her drink and putting her hand up to get the barman’s attention to get another round.

As we headed to leave, it was obvious the Fizz had made the mistake of trying to match Spikey drink for drink and her sea legs had gone.

“Ok love,” said Spikey, “Where have you got to get home to?”

“Allen lane,” Fizz slurred.

“Ah good,” said Spikey, “Pirate is going your way, are you ok for him to walk you home? He’s a good sort, he’ll make sure you get home safely.”

“Aar,” Pirate said, “Anyone causes you any trouble, I’ll run em through with me cutlass!”

“You haven’t got a cutlass Simon love,” said Spikey, “You’ve got a plastic sword!”

“I feel safer with a plastic sword,” said Fizz, “I’m so clumsy, and so drunk he’d probably accidently stab me.”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works,” said Pirate, suddenly being a lot more serious knowing he had someone to look after, “Come on Fizz, lets get ye home, have you got your keys?”

“I think so,but I think mummy will let me in.”

“Sweet heart,” said Spikey, “It’s gone midnight my darling, she’ll be asleep, where are your keys?”

She fumbled in her bag and produced a set of keys.

“I think you should give them to Pirate for safe keeping.”

“Arr,” said Pirate, “Come on me lass, lets get ye home, welcome to the privateers, glad to have ye on board.

“You popping in for a nightcap?” I asked Spikey as we headed home, “I’m sure Polly would like to see you.”

“Not tonight Olly my love,” she said, “Next time I’ve got an off day then I might take you up on it, send Polly and the boys my love though.”

“Will do, come on, lets go home.”New Blood