Spikey
It was a sunny Tuesday morning in the West country. The sun was beginning to streak through Holly “Spikey” Langston’s bedroom window. She turned over in bed her right arm feeling the covers in front of her, and at that she began to groggily wake up.
“Something’s missing,” she thought to herself, “hmm, no, not something, some one.”
She poked her head up off the pillow, she was still lying naked on top of the duvet, but the duvet in front of her was turned back and the other side of the bed empty.
“Oh shit,” she moaned, looking across at the chair, she could see that only her clothes were on it, “Little fucker could have waited until I was awake. Bollocks.”
Putting her feet out of bed, she knocked over the bottle of rum that was next to the bed.
“Oh fuck it. Oh well, at least I don’t need to cook him breakfast,”
She pottered down stairs into the kitchen, decided to forgo the cooked breakfast saving it until she had a man to impress with it, and grabbed the cornflakes from the cupboard. She sniffed the milk, decided it would be fine for that morning and made herself a cup of coffee.
Grabbing the post of the mat, she sat down to open the mail and eat her cereal.
“Junk,” she said looking at one letter, “More junk, letter from my mother probably nagging me for my choice of career, I suppose I should at least open that, and letter from my sister probably asking for money. She is considered to be the one making the right choices but I have to keep bailing her out!”
She leaned back on her chair, tilted her head back and gazed up at the ceiling of her kitchen. It was tidy, hardly a thing out of place, she wasn’t particularly house proud, but she did like her little cottage in this sleepy corner of Devon, and liked to keep it in reasonable shape, at least in the bits where visitors would be, any lovers she brought home would hopefully be too busy thinking of other thinks to notice that the bedroom was a bit of a bombsite, and if ever anyone went into the spare bedroom, they might get a shock, but here she was, in her corner of heaven and loving her life style.
“I ought to put some clothes on,” she thought to herself, slurping down the coffee.
There was a bang on the door.
“Go away!” she shouted.
“Shaln’t” came the reply.
“Oh, come on in Olly, but no peeking, I’m still naked.”
“Fair enough,” I said, walking in, “How did last night go?”
“I’ve changed my mind, fuck off,” she replied.
“That well eh?” I said, “Want a brew?”
“I’ve just had one.”
“That wasn’t the question.”
“Go on then,” she said.
“One second,” I said, looking in the fridge, “I’ve just got to pop back round home,”
I headed back next door, and returned a couple of minutes later.
“What was all that about?” she asked.
“If we are having coffee, I’m not drinking it with the contents of that bottle of cheese you’ve got in the fridge.”
“It was fine earlier,” she replied.
“No it wasn’t,” I replied, “borderline acceptable at best.”
“Well are you going to make the coffee or fuck off?”
“You don’t want yours with cream in it then?” I asked,
“You are a wonderful human.” she said, as I made the coffee, handing her a mug she took a sip, “Why can’t you teach Pirate to make it with cream?”
“Simon is doing well on the days he doesn’t make it with silt and pond scum,” I replied.
“So that’s his secret recipe,” Spikey replied, “I wondered why ot was so fucking awful, you know, I insist he offers to put a shot of rum in it to take the taste away for the passengers, at a price of course.”
“The rum that Mike supplies?” I asked.
“Don’t be so fucking stupid Olly,” she replied.
“You are very sweary this morning, I assume last night wasn’t a success?”
“Depends on how you define success,” she replied.
“Go on?”
“Well I got a shag out of it,” she replied, “but when I woke up this morning, the bugger had fucked off.”
“Have you considered a relationship with a local?” I asked my fellow midlander.
“You are joking,” she replied, “Too many people down here, not enough surnames, they’ve all got twelve toes and webbed feet!”
“No they haven’t,” I replied, “That’s Cornwall. You can tell Pirate that while I educate him on making coffee. His tea is pretty awful too.”
“Tea is awful by design, it’s stewed leaves,” Spikey replied.
“Philestine,” I replied, “Now bugger off upstairs and put some clothes on and we can walk down to the quay together.”
“What are you on?”
“Opposite to you, clockwise round the beach hopper with Fizz,” I said, “Hopefully she won’t be sea sick, fall over board or punch a passenger today.”
“She punched a passenger?”
“Not deliberately,” I replied, “She was trying to throw a line over a bollard.”
“She’s lovely, but she’s hopeless.”
“Got it in one, come on, clothes, or are you planning to do the day in the nude?”
With that, she vanished, reappearing in denim dungarees, a blue and white stripey T-shirt and thigh length Doc Marten boots.
“Ready,” she said.
“Come on then,” I replied, “Let’s go.”
“Can’t you drive us down?”
“No,” I said, “the walk will turn you into a human being, if we drive you’ll still be spitting venom by the time we get there.”
“I don’t know what you mean!”
“Right now, you keep telling me to fuck off,” I said, “And you are only seconds from calling me a twat, a phase you will still be in when we get there, but if we walk and you work that grumpiness off, everyone will be Sweet heart, darling or love by the time we get there.”
“I’m not going to call you a twat!” she protested.
“Only because I mentioned it!”
“You’re an arse.”
“I am, now come on.”
We down through the town in the morning sunshine, stopping at the paper shop for me to get a news paper and a bottle of orange juice, and Spikey to get a cone of Rum and Raisin ice cream and another cone of Rum and raisin ice cream.
“Where do you put all the junk you eat during the summer?” I asked.
“Fuck off,” she replied, “I’m still not lovey dovey yet, this is anti-murder medicine.”
“I’m not arguing on that point.”
By the time we walked into the office, she was licking the remains of the ice cream off her fingers.
“Marnin!” chirped Pirate as we walked in, “Healthy breakfast of Ice cream and coffee as usual I guess?”
“Double barreled Ice cream today my darling” Spikey replied, doing her best to try and lick it off her arms.
“The boat is cleaned and ready to go, the cabin is open, the bar stocked and we’ve got Paul Pascoe crewing the bar, and plenty of Rum cap’n” he said, “We’ve got Tamsyn this morning.”
“Well that’ll be an interesting crew,” I said, “A pirate, a Doctor and Paul in charge of the alcohol. If I were you Spikes, I’d let the passengers drive and chill in the bar with these two nutters.”
“I think that might be a plan love,” she said.
“Arr, an you’ve got Alice,” he said, “She’s unlocked, and Alf is stocking the bar.”
“Where’s Fizz?” I asked, taking the Keys of Pirate.
“Having a shower and putting her emergency clothes on,” he replied.
“Why is she doing that?” I asked.
“She fell in,” he replied.
“Already?” I laughed.
“Arr,” replied Pirate, “An’ the irony is, she were chatting to a passer by about the importance of not fallin’ in.”
“I’m never sure whether to believe your tales or not,” I replied, “You do have a reputation for tall tales.”
At that moment, Fizz appeared wearing very tatty jeans and a T-Shirt I had bought her with a picture of a stick man falling overboard and the slogan, ‘Yes I fell in again.’
“Ah morning skip,” she said, “We’ll be ready in a jiffy, just needed a quick shower.”
“You weren’t carrying anything this time were you?” I asked.
“Nothing that I couldn’t retrieve without two much trouble,” she replied.
Pirate coughed.
“Ok,” Fizz said, “Nothing I couldn’t retrieve without falling in twice more.”
Pirate coughed again.
“Fine, nothing I couldn’t retrieve without falling in twice more, before Pirate pulled me out, and retrieved them with the litter picker, and you can fuck off Simon!”
“Arr, my pleasure me hearty,” said Pirate, “‘ave a good day both o’ ye. Come on Spikey, Kettle’s on.”
“Oh, it’s fine Pirate love,” she said, swiping the bottle from under my arm, “I’ve got some orange juice.”
“And you’ve got an extra ten minutes to sort yourself out,” I said to Fizz, “While I go back to the shop to get myself another bottle of orange juice, I seem to have lost mine! Do me a favour, get her started up and everything turned on would you? She should start just like a car, except you haven’t got a clutch to hold down, then the switches for radios and power should be obvious.”
“Righto skip,” she said, seemingly buoyed by me trusting her with such a job, where as in reality, she really couldn’t get it wrong, it was that simple.
Spikey headed down to find her boat, and get it started up ready to go. The boats on the out stationed services would work a nonstop service out of Barnstaple first thing, and back in the evening, and she was ready to race down the river Taw, hopefully Olly would be ready soon so they could set off together and see who gets to Greysands first.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked me, Has your deck hand finished falling in the water and got things ready?”
“She was ready before I was,” I replied, “Thanks to me suddenly needing more orange juice.”
“Don’t worry,” she replied, “We’ll sort it all out, so you are ready to go?”
“Just about, why?”
“Come along side,” she said, “Why we cast off.”
“Ooooh,” I said, “Spikey’s feeling speedy this morning! Fizz, are you ready?”
“Well, I’m dry and the passengers and Alf are on board, everything ok?” Fizz replied.
“Gang plank up this morning?” I asked.
“Up and stowed,” she replied, “and I didn’t drop anything in the water either.”
“Excellent,” I said, “Hold onto your hat, we are going to show Spikey who are the fastest crew on the ferries!”
“That would be us darling,” put in Spikey, “Simon my lovely, count us down would you?”
“Arr, alright,” said Pirate, “right, that would be three, erm, two, one, and arr go!”
The two of us set off, with all the speed our fairly small engines could muster, Spikey’s long hair tied up in a scrunchie but flowing behind her, and my bandanna flapping in the breeze.
“Water at the bridge,” called Spikey on the radio, hoping that I would follow the rules from sailing and leave space for her as we came under the bridge that took us from the Yeo onto the Taw.
“Nut’s to that Spikes,” I replied, “If I’m ahead, I’m having the water, no quarter given.”
The local passengers were used to our antics and were calmly at the bar getting their morning coffees or early drinks in. The tourists were outside wondering what was going on.
Spikey made her move as we shot down past Isley Marsh at our full 12 knots, pulling out of our wake and steadily gliding along side of us, being on the Starboard side, she had the better line to Crow point and was in the slower flowing water making her able to make better headway, and inch by inch her and Pirate pulled ahead.
I heard a squeal from the bows, and realised that Pirate had a large water pistol and had given Fizz a good soaking.
“Fizz,” I said, “There’s a squirter of our own in the locker on the port side, it should be full.”
Fizz pulled out the water gun, and it was indeed full.
“Ah ha!” she cried, “Have that you Cornish blaggard!” and gave Pirate a good soaking, climbing on the roof of the cabin, she went to turn her attention onto Spikey, but typically of Fizz, right at that moment, she lost her footing, I cut power incase she went overboard, but she simply landed on the roof, and lay there breathlessly while pirate gave her a good soaking and Spikey pulled past us, ensuring they got tied up first.
“Sorry about that skip,” said Fizz crawling back to me with a girn on her face.
“Don’t worry,” I said, “Are you ok? You looked to be enjoying yourself!”
“Fine,” she said, “Absolutely spiffing time.”
“Jolly good,” I said, “Come on then, wet or not we’ve got work to do, you might appreciate a soaking today.”
Spikey and Pirate got their passengers on board first, while we sat out in deeper water and waited.
“Ok Skipper,” said Pirate, pulling the gang plank up and casting off, “she’s all yours, steady as she goes.”
“Got that my lovely,” she said, and turned to come back past us, “Try not to bash into us on your way around darling,” she said to me, and headed off.
It was a lovely sunny morning, with the odd fluffy cloud, but warm, the bar was certainly going to do well.
“I’ve brought ye up a coffee, as yer like it,” said Pirate as they pulled away from Saunton Sands and headed for Westward Ho!, “But ye appear to be ok with yer orange juice.”
“How’s made it my darlin?” Spikey asked.
“That be Paul,” he said.
“Ah, excellent,” she said, “Thankyou my lovely, that’s wonderful.”
“Yar welcome cap’n” Pirate replied, then headed down to attend to the passengers, “Any tickets and fares please?”
The Lady class boats were fully closed but the wheelhouse was little more than a mezzanine above the passenger area with a cupola sound it to allow the captain to see all around them.
“Oh,” said a Passenger looking up, “You were on the same service yesterday, I remember you.”
“I was going the other way,” replied Spikey, “But yes, it’s an intense service in the summer, so we end up doing a lot of turns on it in the summer, you here on holiday?”
“Yeah,” the passenger replied, “Down here from Manchester for a week.”
“Oh, I went to university in Manchester,” said Spikey.
“What did you study?” asked the passenger.
“Medicine, I was a doctor before giving it up to do this.”
The passenger was well tanned, in his mid 20s, lean and muscular with dark hair. Only down for a week peaked Spikey interest.
“You using the boats for beach hopping?” she asked.
“Sort of,” he said, “It’s great having a beach holiday, but I love being on boats, so these ferries are a great way to see the place.”
“Boat enthusiast?” asked Spikey.
“More of a travel enthusiast,” he replied, “but yes, boats are up there for me.”
“Want to come up for a different view?” she asked.
“I’d love to,” he said, ascending the steps.
“Where about’s are you off to?” she asked.
“Not sure yet,” he said, “I’ve got a rover ticket so where ever the wind takes me.”
“Sounds good to me,” Spikey replied, “I’m Holly, but everyone calls me Spikey, that reprobate down there is known as Pirate, I’m sure you can see why!”
“I’m Gary,” he said, “So do you just do this service?”
“No,” Spikey replied, “We all do all of the routes, I’ve got an evening on the Appledore ferry tomorrow, it’s not so interesting, as you just go back and forth until you get bored and then go home, but you meet a lot of people, and if you’ve got a good mate like I have, it’s ok really, and then we do the tender runs to meet ships, now they are good, you often pick up gifts and so on from overseas on jobs like that, they are always interesting,”
“You must come across some interesting people,” Gary replied.
“You certainly do,” Spikey replied, “the fun comes because a lot of our passengers are on holiday, alcohol lowers people’s inhibitions, some are silly, some are just incapable, some get fighty, although the fighty always come off second best if they try anything.”
“Do they?” he asked.
“If you’ve not noticed,” replied spikey, “I’m tall, I’m six foot, not feel that.”
She put Gary’s hand on her midriff.
“That’s all this time working at sea, I might look like a slightly chunky girl, but I’m solid, and capable of looking after myself, I had a good teacher on that side of life, luckily my height makes most people think twice.”
“I’m surprised you get much trouble,” he said, “You’d think people on holiday wouldn’t be interested in all that.”
“Alcohol Sweety,” she replied, “It does funny things to people. Talking of alcohol, could you pass my coffee? I recommend it with a shot of rum in it, it’s a genuine Caribbean rum from Grenada, very smooth and takes the edge off the coffee nicely.”
“Is that’s what you are drinking?”
“Sadly not,” she said, “But if you were to get me a drink later on, it would be a good start.”
“Are you asking me out?” he said.
“You aren’t with someone are you?” said SPikey faking embarrassment.
“Oh heavens no,” he said, “I’m between relationships, as you might say, you?”
“Me? With my life style? Single as a pringle,” Spikey said, perfectly truthfully.
“Yes then, I’d like to take you out for a drink, what time?”
“Where are you staying?”
“Instow, why?” he asked.
“Excellent,” Spikey replied, “I finish at 6, but I’ve got to take the boat back, I’ll see you on the pier at Instow at 7.30?”
“I don’t know anywhere round here, where do you want to go and I’ll phone and book it.”
“Oh don’t worry about that,” said Spikey leaning in for a quick kiss, “I’ll sort that out.”
That evening they arrived back in Barnstaple, Spkey coming in at a phenomenal rate of knots.
“Could you get everything squared away here please Simon love?” she asked, “I’ll do the same for you when you need it.”
“Arr, no problem Cap’n” he replied, “Good luck!”
“Mike, Sweet heart,” she called marching up to the office.
“Oh God, why do I think there’s a favour coming?” he replied.
“Can I borrow….” Spikey began.
“No,” replied Big Mike.
“You didn’t let me finish,” she protested.
“I don’t need to,” he replied, “Can I borrow is normally followed by either the words money or a boat, no.”
“You don’t know that!” she replied.
“Go on then, what do you want to borrow?”
“A boat,” she replied.
“No.”
“Hmmph!” she said and spun round, spotting me and Little Mike, who had been spare today, sitting in the corner discussing the cricket scores, “Olly.”
“Good luck Mate,” said mike folding his newspaper up, standing up and hitting me on the shoulder with the paper on his way out, “See you in the morning gaffer.”
“Yeah see you tomorrow mate,” said Big Mike.
“I’ve got a hot date tonight,” said Spikey sitting down next to me, “he’s a lovely lad, only here for a week, and he’s come down from Manchester.”
“Sounds nice for you,” I said, “Where’s he taking you?”
“Well actually,” she said, “I wanted to take him somewhere he’ll never forget.”
“Nice,” I said, “You always have had class, where were you thinking.”
“Well, darling,” she said, “I was hoping to take him to see some of the coves and bays, and I was wondering if I could borrow your boat.”
“Big Mike said no, so you want to borrow Nightmare instead?” I asked.
“In a nutshell, yes,”
“Forget it!” I replied, “I’m not lending you my boat so that you can go and shag one of your one night stands in the middle of Croyde Bay!”
“I wasn’t going to shag him in Croyde bay!” she fumed, “I was going to take him to Peppercombe! It’s lovely round there.”
“It is,” I replied, “I’m not lending you my boat so you can shag him round there either.”
“You can be an arse at times,” she replied.
“See you tomorrow,” I said, “and I know how much fuel is in Nightmare, so don’t even think about whatever is crossing your mind right now.”
“I wasn’t,” she said, “but that’s given me an idea, come on, I’ve got to go to the shop, I’ll walk that far home with you.”
“Ok,” I said, eyeing her suspiciously, “See you tomorrow Gaffer!”
“See you both,” called Big Mike.
“What are you up to?” I asked, as we walked out.
“I’m going to the shop to get some rum,” she replied, “Oh shit, can I borrow some money?”
“Ah the lovey dovey Spikey has gone home and we are back to the unpredictable, swears like a navvy version that only me, Polly and my kids seem to see, is back,” I said, “Sorry, got nothing on me, certainly not enough for rum after you borrowed my orange juice this morning. I had to break a twenty to get another bottle this morning, and I had to buy Fizz’s lunch for getting the boat ready for me.”
“Bollocks,” she said, “I can’t exactly take him to my cave to pick some up can I?”
“Not without a boat,” I replied.
“Oooh, sweety….”
“Back to Sweety,” I said, “You are after something.”
“Yes I am,” she said, “It’s the kind of solid favour I need my best friend for.”
“Go on,” I said reluctantly.
“I’m going to head into the shop like I said I would,” she said, “Not to raise any suspicion, would you dash back to mine, get the spare bottle out of my kitchen cupboard, the one with the red top, and dash back here with it?”
“Why can’t you do it?” I asked.
“I’ve got to watch to make sure Big Mike goes home.”
“You aren’t going to do what I think you are going to do are you?” I asked.
“Probably,” she replied, handing me her keys.
“Oh God,” I replied, “Well don’t drag me into it.”
I took the keys and jogged off towards home, picked the bottle up, dashed into my home, apologised to my family, and hopped into my car, and drove back to the shop, handing over the bottle of dark Rum.
“Good luck,” I handed the bottle over, and headed off back to my family.
“Thanks,” she said, under her breath as I drove away, and she headed back to the boat yard.
We all had keys as there were jobs that required booking on as early as 5.30 in the summer and off as late as midnight, so Spikey let herself back in, and took the keys to a boat.
One of the half open Devon class, Instow, being at the quay and was the nearest set of keys, and that was the craft that Spikey chose for her mission, setting off towards her namesake town.
On arrival, Spikey realised her first mistake. The devon class was exactly the sort of craft used on the Instow ferry, so of course, on tying up at the quay, she had to prevent people from getting on, as it was exactly what they were expecting to see here.
“Here Spikey,” called Max Lovejoy, who was actually skippering the farry, “What’s your game?”
“Private charter,” she replied.
“There was nothing on the roster,” he replied.
“Only came in this evening.”
“Does Big Mike know you’ve got the boat?”
“No,” she replied, “And do me a favour my lovely, and don’t tell him.”
“None on my business,” he said, “Ah, this chap looks like he’s looking for you, see you later.” With that he cast off and set off, showing the Devon class’s abilities as a ferry, as he simple headed off in reverse the whole way.
“I wasn’t expecting you to come by boat!” said Gary stepping aboard.
“Anyone could take you to the places on land,” she said, “Come on, I know a place or two.”
They headed off out to sea before turning south along the coast, as they did so, Spikey asked Gary to pass over two glasses and pour out some of the rum.
“Hope you like Rum,” she said, “I’ve got a decent supply of stuff from the Caribbean which you won’t get in the UK.”
“I suppose when at see, do what the sailors would do,” he said.
They headed down towards Abbotsham before heading out across the bay towards Hartland.
“Go down into the bow section,” said Spikey, slowing down, “find somewhere comfortable to sit and lye on the deck, I’ll be down shortly.”
He went to find a place near the gunwales where they could look over the sides towards the lights on land. Spikey found somewhere to stop, that she knew would be near a navigation buoy, and lowered the anchor and turned off the engine, before stripping off and now heading down towards the bow section.
“Oh,” said Gary, “I wasn’t expecting you to be naked.”
“I could put my clothes on if you want,” Spikey replied, offering him another rum.
“No,” he replied, “I just wasn’t expecting it.”
She started helping him out of his clothes, pulling his T-shirt over his head, then unzipping his jeans, and straddling him. She was going to give him a night he wouldn’t forget in a hurry, as the two of them had deafening sex out in the middle of the bay.
As the night wore on and rum went down, eventually they decided they should head for home.
“I’ll put my clothes back on when we are closer to home,” said Spikey.
“You not worried about being naked then?” asked Gary..
“I find it liberating,” she replied, “Plus I love the feeling of the wind on my skin. Oh shit.”
“What’s up?” Gary asked.
“Just a minor issue sweet heart,” she said, “The fucking engine won’t start.”
“I’d say that’s more than a minor issue.”
“It’s fine my lovely,” Spikey replied, “I have it under control.”
In truth, the amount of Rum she’d had, there wasn’t much under control. She reached for her jacket and pulled out her mobile phone, and called my number.
“What’s gone wrong?” I said.
“Hello is a more traditional greeting,” she replied.
“Hello,” I said, “What’s gone wrong?”
“How do you know something has gone wrong?” she asked.
“Because you don’t normally phone me after a shag,” I replied.
“Can you help us both out of a bit of a tight spot darling?”
“How tight?”
“We are in the middle of Heartland bay,” she said, “and the bloody engine won’t start.”
“Have you got a position?” I asked.
She gave me the name of the marker buoy.
“Ok,” I said, “Sit tight, I’m on my way.”
I phoned Rikky.
“I need your help mate,” I said.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“That silly fucker Spikey has pinched a boat and it’s broken down, she needs a tow.”
“Oh God,” he said, “Why has she pinched a boat?”
“To go and shag one of our passengers in the middle of Heartland bay of course,” I said.
“Ah,” Rikky replied, “Standard then.”
“And she’s pissed,” I added.
“Great!”
Rikky met me at the Quayside, as I was topping the tank up with diesel.
“Won’t be long,” I said, “Wasn’t expecting a run out tonight as you can see.”
“Totally understand,” he said, “Anything I can do?”
“Put the kettle on?” suggested.
“On it,” he said, “Oh hello.”
I looked round to see none other than Fizz approaching.
“Hello,” she said, “What are you two doing down here?”
“I could ask you the same,” I replied.
“Oh,” she said, “I was at home on my own, and decided to go for a walk.”
“Not out socialising?”
“With who?” she replied, “Of all the people I know in Barnstaple, you two are here, Pam is busy, Pirate is……..well…..pirate, and Spikey is getting her brains fucked out.”
“Well,” I said, “You say that but we are currently off to rescue her.”
“Rescue her?”
“She’s borrowed a boat and broken down,” Rikky called from inside the cabin.
“Oooh a rescue mission, can I come?”
Rikky and I looked at each other.
“Yeah, come on,” I said, “Why not?”
Rikky shot me a look.
“She’ll either be useful or entertaining,” I said, “and she’ll drink your tea without complaining. Are you going to take that kettle off the stove? Or let it boil dry?”
Fizz leapt aboard.
“Well she’s managed to get aboard without landing in the drink,” I said, “So tonight will be a good night.”
We set off for what would be at least an hour and a half journey.
As we got out onto the open sea, I remembered something.
“Fizz?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“Have you taken any Kwells this afternoon?”
“No” she replied, “Why? Oh!”
“Oh well, we’ll soon find out if you are getting used to it!”
“One way to find out!” she replied.
We got out into the middle of the bay and were approaching the barker buoy, I couldn’t see anything so I phoned Spikey again.
“Olly,” she slurred, “to what do I owe this honour?”
“You called me out to rescue you,” I said, “Remember?”
“Oh, yes, of course darling,” she said, “Are you here?”
“We can’t see you,” I replied, “Can you turn your navigation lights on?”
“If she is sober enough to find the switch,” said Rikky.
“Oddly,” I replied, “The one likely to be sick is also likely to be sober!”
“How so?”
“Have you seen the colour of Fizz?”
“Oh hell,” Rikky said, “Fizz love, are you ok?”
At that point she threw up down the front of him.
“Sorry Spikey,” I said, “Fizz was just throwing up, I didn’t catch your reply, nav lights?”
“Of Fizz is here?” she replied, “She’s nice. Sorry, no lights no power.”
“Torch then?”
“No, didn’t bring one,” she said, “I could lose off a distress flare?”
“You may as well type your resignation now,” I said, “Hold your phone in the air?”
“Oooh that’s got a torch on, shall I use that?”
“Good idea,” I said, “Let’s try it, how much have you two had to drink?”
“Just a teensy weensy bit,” she said, “It was getting cold!”
“It’s June,” I said, “You are just a piss head!”
“I resent that remark!”
“Never mind resenting the remark,” I replied, “Torch.”
“Oh fuck yeah.”
I pin prick of light appeared.
“I’ve got you,” I said, “We are only about 100 yards away, sit tight.”
Before long, I brought the boat along side.
“We’ll go ahead and throw you a line to tow you home,” I said.
“Can we go via Instow to drop Gary off please?” she said.
“Of course,” I said, “I’m not going to make him swim.”
We went ahead of her boat, and I watched with amusement while Fizz, who couldn’t throw, attempted to throw a line to Spikey who certainly couldn’t catch at the moment, after several missed attempts, Rikky turned to me,
“Do you think she’s got any chance of catching it and successfully tying us together?”
“Nope,” I said, “But it’s entertaining to watch.”
“Indeed,” he replied, “But I want to get home, Fizz, I have a suggestion,”
“Go on?” she asked.
“Stow that rope,” he said, “Spikey, hey Spikes, throw us your forward rope.”
An “Ah” look appeared on her face, she picked the rope up, threw, and of course missed. Rikky, holding a litter picker, reached over our stern, and deftly flicked the rope out of the water, which Fizz then made fast on the bollard on the rear of our boat.
“Is that going to hold?” Rikky asked’
“Round turn and two half hitches,” she replied, “That’ll tow the Queen Mary.”
“If I’m honest,” I said “Fizz’s knots are her strong point, she was a girl guide and apparently was very good at them back then.”
“Oh,” Fizz replied, “Did I tell you that or have you heard it from elsewhere?”
“You’ve told me that several times,” I said, “Twice this week in fact.”
“It’s only Monday,” she replied.
“I rest my case,” I said, “Come on, it’s going to be a long journey home, lets get going.”
We arrived at Instow, and while Gary was saying his goodbyes to Spikey, Rikky hopped aboard and had a look at the boat to see if he could see the problem.
“Pass the Jerry can mate,” he said.
I duly passed the Jerry can over.
“Back in a tick.”
When he returned, he poured the contents of the can into the fuel tank, and fiddled with the engine for a few minutes before starting it up.
“That;s amazing darling,” said Spikey, “What did you do?”
“All I’ll say,” said Rikky patiently, “Is next time you nick a boat for a shag, take one that’s got some diesel in it!”
“You are fucking joking,” Spikey said.
“You’ve got a fuel gauge right in front of you!” I laughed, “Did you not check it?”
“I never bother with that,” she replied, “Spanners makes sure they are filled up and fit to use.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake!” I said, “Come on, I’ll meet you back at my Jetty once you’ve put the boat back.”
“You two boys not coming with me?” she said, pretending to look hurt, “To protect me if Big Mike turns up?”
“Nope,” I said, “If Mike turns up you can take your own bollocking for yourself. See ya!”
She put the boat back where she had taken it from and came up to meet us.
“Pub?” I suggested.
“Fraid not,” said Rikky, “I need to get off, got a 5 o’clock start tomorrow.”
“I’m going to pass,” Spikey said, “I just want to go home.”
“Come on then,” I said, “You coming in for a night cap? Polly would love to see you?”
“What have you got?”
“Living next door to you,” I said, “I always have a bottle of Rum to hand, and plenty of bread and cheese to make toasties.”
“I’m sure the bread and cheese is rather more to do with Polly’s huge appetite,” she replied.
“This may be true.”
“Well how can I resist?”
Swashbuckling and Steam strains 